worrier #7/ life #8

Why do we have suicidal thoughts?
Who do we have suicidal thought for? By that, I mean to whom does it benefit? 
Us or others?

I always try not to be selfish when it comes to things, either buying, thinking, saying, or doing. Sometimes I am, because, hey, we keep getting bombarded by messages by successful or inspirational people saying 'do what makes you happy' . Some say that it's OK to be selfish and think of yourself first, as you're running your life, not other people.
But what stops us from thinking about other people first?
Do some revert back to suicidal thoughts because they can't imagine dong things for themselves, even if it makes then happy?

I am one of those people.

I finally got that job my mum and dad wanted me to. A full-time civil servant job with the government. 

I can't imagine why anyone would be OK with being labeled as a 'servant' but then regard maids as servants. a sort of double-standards thing going on, no?


I'm still trying my best to like it.
Unfortunately, so far, I can't.

I leave for 'work' angry.
I come back tired.
I have no time to chill, because there's things I haven't got done yet due to having zero time to myself.
Us introverts need that kind of thing; alone time.
I have no time to do stuff because I gotta sleep early to wake up early to go to 'work' early.

I say 'work' because I haven't been given any assignments yet so far. It all starts in January. 

'Work' consumes 9 hours. Traffic takes about 1. 
Sleep takes up at least 6 to 7. I don't know how much I need; I'm tired all day, every day.
I need 2 hours to get ready each morning, including coffee and showering. 
That leaves 6 hours.
Take out 1 1/2 hours for dinner, and I have about 4 1/2 hours for everything else.

I probably got the math wrong somewhere.
But my point is.

This is not what I see myself doing each and every day of what's left of my disappointing life.

Even if I take the shortcut to end it, it won't stop the pain It will only be carried forward to my parents. That's even worse.

So yes, I am being extremely patient with all this.
I'm afraid some day I will snap, and lose my mind.
I'm already falling slowly, so what's not to say I'll eventually hit the bottom soon.

Also, I'm getting fat again.

My hate towards my life will never cease to disappear.


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