life #12/sad #1

I'm in a constant state of sadness. Some people call that depression. But I guess you couldn't tell. Unless you've read this blog. Or know me. Then again, people who know me won't think I am.

Either way.

To be honest,  have no idea how depression is supposed to look like. Some people with it doesn't appear to look like they have it. The internet always paint people who has depression to be in their own state of mind, with a hanging cloud over their head. I don't see a cloud over me, but the weight of it is always there.

A survey I took yesterday for work (they even wrote to headquarters that I haven't taken it; check my twitter for more info) has questions about depression and stress. the end analysis doesn't seem to point out I have a problem in that area. Either that or the counselor they have on standby doesn't know how to deal with it (but they always do, I suppose??) so the survey analysis overlooks it.

I hate this job.

Perhaps driving to work while Meteora is playing wasn't a good idea (but I love that album), with me having this kinda thinking early in the morning (#RIPChester). Looking back, their lyrics do carry a sort of burden, and it's sad to hear Chester sing about his demons so early in their career (it's only their second album, but 'Crawling' was already about his depression and that's on Hybrid Theory, their debut album). I've never noticed how these songs actually present his emotions and troubles to the world, and I guess neither does the world. It's only now that his depression overtook him that the world notices. Listening to the CD, I believe the world would miss his voice in future Linkin Park projects. We would feel it. I know I would; I realised that we would never look at their lyrics the same way we once did.

Also, I don't think people talk about depression very much, It only corps up in headlines and social media posts when someone in the news commits suicide due to their constant sadness is when people start talking about it again. Then they all go quiet for a while. Then the cycle repeats itself.

I feel there's not enough engagement to it. Like in Thirteen Reasons Why, I feel that Hananh is depressed (some may argue she simply seeks attention) but no one sees that. They just see her being sad constantly, an that's all.

Still, what kind of thing would I want people to talk about when it comes to depression? I have no idea. Maybe it's literally to depressing to talk about depression.

But I guess in a way a lot of people who doesn't feel it don't want to engage in it, and those who do (like me) rather people not confront them about it (I hate to see other people worry about me, but the Leo in me craves attention. it's a double-edged sword, really).

Once in a while, I talk or say something that involves dying or killing myself. In truth, I don't think I have the courage or guts to do what Chester or Hannah did. I'm too afraid of hurting other that I'm hurting myself while being alive. I know I'll feel guilty as start to flatline, so I'd rather not feel that. Not right now. Maybe when I have nothing to lose is when I'll just go.

The last time I felt truly at bliss is when I was back at my part-time teaching job. It's not the job that makes me happy, it's the flexible timing in addition to the money I get. It's like the best of both worlds, but the job won't sustain for lone unless it's full-time.

Till I find that again, I'll always be in that cycle of between minor sadness and extreme sadness.

I'm sorry we lost Chester Bennington.
I'm sorry we lost Chris Cornell.
I'm sorry we lost Robin Williams.
I'm sorry we lost all the people to depression.


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