life #17/sad #2

I suppose it's tiring to say this, but once again, I'm lost and I'm stuck.

I'm stuck in a job I hate, I'm stuck with the one being responsible for so many things at work, and I'm stuck with the feeling of responsibility towards a lot of things at home.

I'm lost in direction of any sort of resemblance of a career, I'm lost in knowing what to actually do with life, and I'm lost as to whether to leave this job or not because I really do need the money.

In addition, I'm tired every day, at all times.

I'm bored, I'm sick, and I'm tired.

I don't need a break. I just need something new and different, or something to be excited about, and everything costs money. Money I need to earn for myself.

There's so may things I wish I can do, but I come up with excuses not to. 'I don't have the time', I say. 'I don't have the money', I say. 'I don't have the motivation', I say.

They're all not entirely wrong.

An 8-to-5 job is tiring, especially when you spend an hour one-way driving to and from work. If I enjoy the job, it's something I don't mind. I know some other people who has to travel far to and from work, and I don't see them complaining. Maybe they're content with life more than I am.

I have enough money to do what I want in life, but I gotta keep some (but more like a lot tbh) of that to fix up the house. I feel like my parents are relying on me to fix the house, while my sister feels none of that responsibility.

(tbh I just want to die just so they realise how much responsibility they are putting on me. is that selfish? probably. but i'll already be dead)

I feel unmotivated, all day, every day.

I miss that energy I had when I just got back from Hollywood.
Yes, I still miss it. I won't ever not miss that feeling.

I have no idea what I'm doing right now, nor where I am going.

I've applied to further my studies, with an un-pure intention to quit my job with the excuse I have something better to do.

I'm applying for other jobs I'm unsuited for, but I have been getting nothing but rejections (whichever online guide writer says you should apply for something you're unqualified for must have a strong will and heart to not get affected by rejections *salute*)

I'm trying to pick up writing after reading up on  many writing guides and prompts, but that's going nowhere with the limited time I have in my days (I bet Beyonce never says that).

For now, I'm stuck in a routine job, not going anywhere. I want to quit, but I need the money for bills and stuff.

Honestly, I just don't want to live too long. It gets tiring. 
and I've been tried enough for a long time.