complications with optimistic outcomes

War Horse

2012-02-05T01:05:00.000+08:00

I haven't done a movie review in a long time, mainly because there's not much to be said about most movies. Then War Horse comes along, and I just have to write about this movie. It's a short one, though.

Simply put, it's beautiful. I don't know most of the cast, except for David Thewlis and Tom Hiddleston. Nonetheless, the entire cast was amazing in their respective roles. The scenes are beautiful and spectacular; credits go to the cinematographer. The score is also amazing, composed by John Williams. It helps shape the movie so well. What I love most is the unusual storyline, as well as the amount of light humour scattered around in the movie. It helps the movie from being a bore. What's also amazing is the relationship between animal and man portrayed. It's truly wonderful.

Biggest props goes to two: Spielberg, the director, and the titular horse, Joey. This is definitely a must-watch for the Oscar-appreciating crowd.

I Must Quit You

2012-01-20T03:23:00.002+08:00

Killer Thoughts

2012-01-11T23:11:00.002+08:00

People always say that the most dangerous of all are the ones who keep quiet and to themselves. they tell no one of their plans or thoughts or details in their life whatsoever. In the surface, their sunny disposition fools everyone into thinking everything is perfect with them, but secretly, they are a wreck. Nothing seems happy, and there's always something wrong.

I feel that personally I'm somewhere there, but rather then keeping it quiet, I let it all out here. I'd rather not tell these things directly to the ones I care, I don't want them to worry about me. To some extent, they don't understand me. then again, it's no obligation. They have lives too.

Lately, I've been having more suicidal thoughts, and their getting worse. Today, of all days, have been the most stressful. I'm having a paper tomorrow, and I've already given up all hope and just want to sleep it off, not study at all. Yet, when I look upon the faces of my parents, I can't bear to let them down once more. I've let them down so many countless times, I'm lucky that they still love me.

I dunno, I'm under this immense pressure to be perfect for them. I want to do music and learn about musical compositions, how to sing right, how to create wonderful scores, and maybe play at the Philharmonic Hall one day. My parents want me to have a bright future, and asked me to take engineering instead. True. they left it up to me and didn't force me into it. But it's so clear that they want me to take this. They don't want me to waste all my prior education since high school. So, I'm trying my best to make them happy, but I can't if I'm always feeling so down in dislike for my studies.

Sometimes, I want to feel sad, but there's really no point in getting sad. I would like to talk to someone about it, but there's no reason to burden others with your problems. They have their own too, and they're not always free.

I don't know if I should just chuck this all down the drain or not, but I know that if I do indeed, then it would be a waste of 4 years and thousands of ringgit in cash spent for me to reach this stage. Sometimes I think I don't do enough to justify and match the amount of care that my parents have given me. I don't want to betray their trust, or make them hate me for not being the best person I can be, but as of now, I don't know how to be that person they want me to be.

Music has always been my source of inspiration and calm, but the more diverse the music genre gets, the more it makes me feel that the level of where these musicians are is a level I would never ever going to achieve. I have no musical talent whatsoever, I don't even have money to go for formal guitar lessons. I'm not letting my parents pay more things for me than they already are.

Partially, I'm glad that my parents don't know about this blog. They would probably freak.

Hate Is Too Strong A Word

2012-01-11T03:38:00.001+08:00

Every time I think about my life, and how I ended up doing a degree in engineering, I always say this to myself. I don't know why I didn't say no when my dad insisted that I take engineering. He says it's "the natural path since I'm a science kid in high school and took physics in matriculation". My mom asked if I want to try education, but back then, I didn't feel like being a teacher suits me. I can't teach people, really.

So, now, I'm stuck here, in my fourth year. I have a thought that I might get another degree, but I would have to work a bit first to get money to pay off the current loan, and then pay for the new degree. I can't depend on my parents forever.

But now, I really hate myself for some decisions that I have taken in life. Perhaps things would be different, and maybe I would not be the person I am now. I like me now, in my current state. Maybe it's for the best. Then again, I might have missed many opportunities to pursue happiness for my parents' sake.

I'm in the middle of exam week, and had somewhat suicidal thoughts during my Maths test the other day. Weird, but the movie played out in my head, and I immediately regretted putting that vision to play. Too grotesque. But yea, I lost focus during the test, and for sure I'm repeating it once again *sigh*. But hey, I can't be selfish and think of only what I want, right? I have 2 more papers to the end of the semester.

I haven't seen my campus friends in a while, and I miss them all so dearly. I've not seen or met my high school friends in ages, and I don't think they miss me at all. Did I mention one of them Unfriended me on Facebook because I deleted the comment he posted on my Wall? Well, that was devastating, I don't even know why. I didn't bother to re-Friend him again. I'm insignificant to his life now anyway.

So, you might think I'm an ungrateful git whose life is better than some truly unfortunate kids out there. Truly, I appreciate what I have, and I feel that those kids out there deserve a better life than the ones they have now. I have all that I could ever want, but it doesn't mean I should like it. Don't get me wrong; I do love it. I wish it could be better and more positive, for me and for kids everywhere.

Yea, the thought of posting this came up when I saw the GIF above. Sorry about it being so depressing.

Next Year

2011-12-31T01:05:00.001+08:00

So 2011 is ending, and 2012 is coming up. This year has been an interesting one, but not in a good way. In a sense, I wished some things didn't happen at all.

Am I ready? Maybe, if 2012 promises to be a better year. I've decided on making resolutions, but I was reminded that I hardly fulfilled any. I thought that, instead, I tried to create goals, but that idea panned out when I realised that I'm not good at fulfilling goals. So I guess I would have to refer to my bucket list. Somewhere to start, at least. Truth be told, I have nothing much to look forward to next year.

I'll be extending my studies for a year. This means that all my friends will be graduating next year, and I won't see them for some time until October when they will attend their graduation ceremony. I should be ready for extremely lengthy alone time. I plan to get a job while I study during my first semester, but I don't know if my parent will approve of that or not. Thought of another gig at the bookshop.

To all my friends, I apologize for mistakes made, negative words said, actions unfavoured, promises made and broken, wishes unfulfilled, memories forgotten, friendship fractured, insults hurled, and tasteless sarcasm. I thank you for big bear hugs, uplifting optimism, hilarious moments, memorable events, good food, and everlasting friendships. If Doomsday does happen next year, I thank God I found you, all of you. If it doesn't, then I'm thankful that you're still around to make the world a better place.

*sigh* Let's just hope next year would be better. Hope.

Happy New Year's Eve

2011-12-31T00:14:00.002+08:00

'New Year's Day' Playlist

2011-12-28T21:21:00.001+08:00

Goodbye 2011

Mad World - Gary Jules

In The End - Linkin Park

Get It Right - Lea Michele

Decode - Paramore

Scars - Papa Roach

What Part of Forever - Cee Lo Green

How To Save a Life - The Fray

Get Away - Rooney

So Long - Zooey Deschanel & M. Ward

I Will Remember You - Sarah Mclachlan

Someone Like You - Adele

Firework - Katy Perry

It's Not Your Fault - New Found Glory

Hello 2012

RENT - Seasons of Love

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

Strangled By The Thought - The New Amsterdams

To Wish Impossible Things - The Cure

2012 - Jay Sean & Nicki Minaj

Swell Window - Zee Avi

Beautiful Day - U2

Viva Forever - Spice Girls

Use Somebody - Kings of Leon

The Edge of Glory - Lady Gaga

Time for Miracles - Adam Lambert

Ku Impikan Bintang - Sean Ghazi

When The Sun Goes Down - Selena Gomez

Happy Christmas

2011-12-25T23:52:00.002+08:00

Hope everyone had a wonderful one this year! Here's my Christmas playlist this year.

Coldplay - Christmas Lights

Joni Mitchell - River

Enya - And Winter Came

Damian McGinty - Blue Christmas

Josh Groban - It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

Coldplay - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Michael Buble & Shania Twain - White Christmas

She and Him - Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

Leighton Meester - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

Kelly Clarkson - My Grown-Up Christmas List

Aly & AJ - Silent Night

Everything Ends

2011-12-18T18:17:00.002+08:00

The semester is almost over. We're on our 14th week, the final week before a week of revision, and then our finals start.

Am I ready for the semester to end? Very much. This seems to be my worst semester ever in terms of study. I felt very demotivated, I skipped gym the entire half-year, and, truthfully, I'm glad 2011 is almost over as well.

Much things happened this semester, and in fact, this year, some of which I wish never happened, while some I wished I could have done better. I didn't stick to any resolutions, surprise, surprise. But at least I lived life a little this year. I found a reason to both love and hate engineering, and I realised love is hard to come by if you're simply waiting for a miracle to happen.

What did I do this year anyway?

- went to two concerts
- rode the pirate ship at a street carnival on a dare, twice. screamed my head off
- told some people about my secret. thankfully, they are still my friends
- someone actually like like me.
- finished a miniature of the Eiffel tower. that's as close to Paris as I'll ever get
- met amazing people during the Digi Challenge for Change. also learned a lot about business plans and pitching an idea
- got a mild depression during my birthday week, and eventually, the entire month of August
- got in touch with my lost kiddie side, thanks to Captain America
- learned a valuable lesson about friends and how the difference in lifestyle can create such a distance between a friendship

There's more to this list, but it's best not to dwell on the past.

As always, everything, good or bad, ends.

It's Unpredictable, That's Why

2011-12-12T04:36:00.002+08:00

Zee Avi's Homecoming Party

2011-12-08T01:33:00.009+08:00

This post is long overdue, but better late than never. I got the chance to attend my first concert ever-ish, and it's by homegrown-gone-international talent Zee Avi! My friend won two tickets, so she invited me to come along with another two of our friends. We got there early; the ticket did say 8.00 pm. We got through the door at around 8.30pm, the crowd was massive! Since we're free standing, we got the green band. Not important.

What was important was the music. We got to listen to some songs by Reza Salleh (they played his CD before the show started. My friend asked the DJ whose song was playing). Then, by 9.00pm, the opening act, Narmi, came on and played some songs. He also did a cover of a Jason Mraz song. He's good.

His set finished at 10.00pm, and that was when Zee Avi's guitarist came in with a sape! That is like, so cool. One of my friend has a huge crush on him, and why not, he was shredding that sape like it was an electric guitar! Finally, after two hours of waiting, the main act reveals herself! Zee Avi came on stage, acting all whimsical and stuff, and did her magic.

I recorded videos (have yet to upload them) and took some photos (slow connection, will upload soon).

She sang songs from her debut album, as well as her new one Ghostbird, including Swell Window, Just You and Me (My personal fav), Honey Bee, Concrete Wall, and Bitter Heart. She pulled a few surprises, though. She sang Siboh Kitak Nangis, as well as Mee Kolok Sigek, which is only the second time she has performed this song. She also did a Mandarin number as a tribute to her mother. How sweet :)

After two hours of wonderful music, she left the stage, and left us with an advice, that wherever we go, always remeber that we are a Sarawakian first, human second.

Thank you for the music, Zee! Come back again :)

No Christmas For Me

2011-12-05T23:03:00.001+08:00

Hey guys. Happy December!

It's always my favourite time of the year! The Christmas spirit fills the air with joy, with people setting up fake Christmas trees everywhere and the start of the commercial Christmas season.

This year, it's not here to stay.

The Gov shifted the semester period a few months late, which means no holiday for December! Usually, we get December off, and everything starts back in January. Now, our finals are in January, and we get February off. Technically, this means I'll be busy this month. Totally screwing with my holiday spirit.

Thanks a lot, Malaysia.

Still, as always, I'm the creative director for this year's Christmas tree these. I was thinking to go red this year. Last year, we paid tribute to music, I made paper vinyl records to hang on the tree, with some bearing photos of the family's music inspirations i.e. Spice Girls, The Beatles, Jim Reeves, Oasis, Elvis Presley, All Saints.

That said, I guess there will be no Christmas for me this year. I'm kinda having financial trouble too, so I can't get presents for the family too.

I can't wait for 2011 to just end already. It has been a sucky year.

Empty Thoughts

2011-12-04T15:30:00.001+08:00

Scars and Tribulations

2011-11-21T02:06:00.001+08:00

It has been a bad week. Really. The highlight of it all would be Wednesday. I skipped all my classes, as well as a mock debate and session. I was worried with everything, so I started to clean my room and arrange everything neatly. I clean when I'm worried or stressed.

Anyway, something someone said about me and a bunch of us struck me real hard. I wouldn't say I have done an excellent job running things last year, so I do not deny the fact that I am, eventually, a slob. But what struck me is that some words were said...

... and they were downright insulting and what I believe should not have come from someone so respectable.

Now, I don't brag of what I've done, but I admit to being an attention whore once in a while. It's part of being a Leo, I say. I do share my problems with others if they are willing to hear me out, but at times, I believe I should just keep all my troubles for myself. There's no use spreading pessimistic ideas around, anyway.

From that day on, I've been feeling so down, and nothing worked. Add that to weeks of weak progress of my workload due to no motivation, and you have the recipe of disaster... or at least, lots of sleepness nights and hairfalls.

Look, I'm not trying to blame anyone or point fingers. I's rather not let my emotions write itself down, or control my fingers on a keyboard, but what I can only say that no one can see through another person's scars or go through another person's tribulation unless you've walked a mile in their shoes.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, and yes, I deserve a push to jump start things, but at times, you lose it. It spirals out of control, and there's nothing you can stop. I believe that action speaks louder than words, and that's why this blog post doesn't speak volumes. It's more like what my emotions would look like when it's all in a mess.

I'm sorry that all of that have to happen.

One last thing: did my back hurt your knife?

Promises

2011-11-12T01:36:00.000+08:00

All They Needed Was Chalk

2011-11-12T00:03:00.000+08:00

The sky could be blue, I don't mindWithout you it's a waste of timeCould be blue I don't mindWithout you it's a waste of time
The sky could be blue could be grayWithout you I just slide awayThe sky could be blue, I don't mindWithout you it's a waste of time

Once in a Millennium

2011-11-11T00:16:00.002+08:00

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

2011-11-09T09:29:00.001+08:00

Giving Up, Letting Go

2011-11-04T01:31:00.000+08:00

This blog post is long overdue. Haven't got any stable internet in a while, but when I do, I don't feel like posting.

The post is divided into two; giving up, and letting go.

I'll let go first. As of today, I'm no longer in charge of the debating society. Thsi means that my level of commitment has lowered. Honestly, I'm relieved that I don't have much to do around here anymore, but somehow I feel like I'm letting go one of the the best things in my life. There's that bit of me that makes me fell that I am now insignificant. I guess that's the Leo part of me speaking; desperately seeking for attention yet complain about the extra burden. So I guess I'm kinda glad that it's all over for me. Now I have to find another source of happiness.

I'm worried about one thing: that I won't be with my friends anymore, at least as often as we did. It's kinda like debate brought us together, and now that medium is gone, I don't know what's gonna happen.

I have separation issues, OK. I hate that feeling that tells me that people always leave.

Then, there's the giving up part. It's been a while since I've been myself. For 8 weeks, I've been dragging myself through my studies. I'm not sure what I have been doing all this time. True, I've done what I'm supposed to do, study and all. But it seems I'm doing little progress to improve myself. It's like I'm doing all this to get a degree ... and that's it. Nothing more. What the hell am I doing with my life, I don't know. It doesn't hlp that I am occasionally sleep-deprived.

I'm also disappointed with myself. I'll be extending my studies for a year. I'm sad because all my friends are graduating. They are already planning that they would get their robes early and take photos around campus before anyone else does. I can't fault them for getting excited. They deserve to get excited about finishing their studies and getting a degree. I guess I'm just stupid in some sense. I just hope I can handle the lonliness when they are no longer around with me. I'm gonna be one of those people who just walks alone in campus without anyone calling up and say 'Wanna watch a movie tonight?' or something. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for that. I'm trying to avoid socialising too often so that when the time comes, I'll be ready for it.

Oh look, there goes the attention-seeking side of me again, speaking out.

Sorry.

So, honestly, I don't know anymore. My roommate keep telling me not to lose myself, but I think I'm am. I need help.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T15:01:00.000+08:00

2011-10-31T14:55:00.001+08:00

My Life's Theme Song

2011-10-27T20:56:00.001+08:00

If I were to have one. One of the best song ever written, IMHO.

The Weekend of StartUps

2011-10-18T03:32:00.002+08:00

I've never seen myself as a business type of person, true story. So, when my friend persuaded me to tag along for the StartUp Weekend/DiGi Challenge For Change, I didn't think much of it.

Was I ever wrong.

For the purpose of anonymity, my friends shall be given the codenames of Kate, Caesar, and Zee ;)

Also, this post shall be separated from the other posts due to its happy content.

Anyway, I have to say that my weekend was spent quite well. I mean, it did take away the three days of the only rest days I have, or at least, my assignment-finishing-up days. I didn't expect to enjoy it in more ways than one.

Friday evening, it starts. It was awkward at first, since the only table left for us when we got into the hall was this small lonely-looking table. We took that and named it 'The Most Awesome Table Ever'. Then, the intro was given by Emily (who intro-ed the program to us during my tutorial class), who then intro-ed us to the guy-in-charge, Jason (all the way from New Zealand, where they filmed Lord of the Rings :D ). Then we were given short talks by industry experts. After that, we did some ice-breakers, you know, the usual stuff. After that, the fun part began.

Everyone was given a chance to pitch their ideas for the Social Venture. I proposed a project on preserving languages. There were some very cool ideas. My favs were the tribal-music/modern-music fusion (very cool) and giving light to the poor (I told the girl who proposed this that her idea is very good). Zee pitch one about keeping culture, while Kate pitched one about blogging. Then we all got to vote for everyone's ideas. Who would have guessed both mine and Zee's made it to the top 7 (or 8? 9? Can't remember)! Yay us!

But since we're already in one team, we decided to mash the idea together. Mine can be a side project to hers, so it was all cool. Did I mention Kate was given the card of Cyril Dason, THE owner of Sarawak Bloggers? Yeah, she did. It was like meeting a celebrity ;) Oh yea, we got to meet cool people too, like Pierce (from Sarawak Social Media Association) and Maclean Patrick (a columnist and founder of non-profit org, Barefoot Mercy)

And our team name? The Very Far East Movement. I blame Kate :P

Moving on, Saturday. An entire day at HEP. Seriously, staying too long confined in a space can make you go crazy, if the pressure of doing your best doesn't get to you first. We spent about ... 12 hours or so developing our idea. We ran a poll on Facebook, and most people want the pua kumbu. Market validation! (learned new term!) Then, industry experts came to meet us and talked to us. Our ideas evolved from something simple to something incredible.

it's basically this: sell authentic pua kumbu, open workshops, R&D language -> sell authentic, make contemporary, open workshops, R&D language -> sell authentic, make contemporary, make iPhone skins, open workshops,R&D language -> sell authentic, make contemporary, make skins, open workshops, make exhibitions,R&D language -> sell authentic, make contemporary, make skins, open workshops, make exhibitions,R&D language with apps and vocab list

That took a day to develop, and it wasn't easy. So many questions, not enough solutions.

Then, we had a mock pitch. Everything was already in order, but we still have much flaws. After the day was over, Maclean pulled us to the side and asked us to do more research and dig deeper. So we did. We dug, and we re-researched, we planned the budget.

Eventually, we all decided to drop the end idea and went back to the basic one. That's right. We threw a whole day's work out the freshly-cleaned-and-polished glass window.

Somehow, after that, our hearts (and mind) settled. We got our focus back before everything spins out of control.

So, on Sunday, we went back to basics, and ironed out our idea. I went home the previous night to take one of the few pua kumbu I have hanging at home (a normal, non-taboo version). We used the questions thrown at us since Friday till Saturday to rebuild our project. Zee and I presented the final pitch in 2 minutes and 34 seconds (we timed), with only one slide and the pua kumbu sample.

We didn't win the seed funding.We did, however, got much compliments for our presentation. That's enough of a win for me :)

So, yeah, that's how I spent my weekend. I met really cool people (you know who you are! I'm following all of y'all on Twitter), learned many, many new things (mainly about social ventures and making money), and gained some connections (we got many business cards which may be of use later).

Chances are we're not moving forward with our plan for now, but the blog is still up and running. If you're reading this, and want to follow up on us or even help us spread the word, check out http://pua-kumbu.tumblr.com.

Want and Need II

2011-10-13T00:28:00.003+08:00

I want attention
I want peace
I want people to like me
I want to do things I love
I want to sleep more
I want to paint
I want to sing
I want to love
I want to do many things
I want to dance
I want to get drunk
I want to kiss someone
I want a perfect life
I want more money to spend
I want to buy things
I want a new phone

I need to get out of this place
I need to get a life

The Man and The Third Apple to Change Mankind

2011-10-08T13:17:00.005+08:00

Stupid and Probably Crazy

2011-10-08T09:56:00.001+08:00

Stupid. I have been very stupid lately.

The semester has begun, and I'm felling rather stupid.

First, there are the classes. I'll be extending for at least a year (knock on wood), due to me repeating subjects. Because I'm repeating subjects, I can't take some Year 4 core subs. It's killing me inside because it means that I would have to work to pay for the semester. Chances are my parents won't let me, but I would have no choice. I do have to re-think the option though.

Second, my finances are diminishing at an alarming rate. I'm overspending and going out almost every night, just to escape reality. This scares me. I have lots of work to do, give or take. There's the final year project, and the integrated design project, and both would need major attention. It's only been week 4 and I can't seem to regain my balance to study. I just can't take it all in. It didn't help that my dad confessed (or revealed, sorta) that when I was applying for university, he chose to not see the side of me that likes art, rather pushing me to take a science-based course. Why? Because it would be a waste of my high school and matriculation studies I don't. Now, I'm having a hard time coping. I don't blame him. I blame myself for not being able to stand up for myself back then. Maybe I would have gotten something I would like, but it seems that it was not meant to be.

Third, I'm just disappointed at myself. All those things I promised I would be this semester is not materializing. I said I would take regular jogs or walk, I hardly do. I said I would save money, also hardly. I said I would be more outspoken, I sorta am, but not enough. Let's just say that I'm still waiting for a miracle that won’t ever happen

And now, the dark(er) side of this post.

I never ruled out suicide as an option. Clearly this statement is just to attract attention. I am a Leo, after all. Here's something I never told. Back in high school, I attended this program, and we were asked to write our names in a circle. Then, write 'family', 'friend', and whoever in circles around us. The closest to us would have their circle nearer. Naturally, I drew all my circles closely. Then, the instructor asked me a few questions, and my respond about my parents include ' I don't like to burden them'. Then, she asked me to remove a circle, and it can be anyone. I took myself out, and she commented 'wouldn’t that trouble your parents, then?’ Naturally, I was taken aback, and decided to take my friends out. Sorry, guys. The moral is that, though I would like to leave this world as it is now, I can't seem to bring myself to do it. Is it God that's telling me not to? Or just my subconscious making me think things I should have not? Either way, I'm a total screw-up. And stupid.

Seriously, I'm too young for a midlife crisis.

I really don't know what I am doing with my life. I'm lost.

God, Is That You?

2011-09-25T02:56:00.000+08:00

Either God's really controlling this Facebook app, or it's just a coincidence.

A Disastrous Afterthought

2011-09-25T02:31:00.002+08:00

You know that I only blog when I'm all down in the dumps. Well, it's one of those days again.

Technically, it was a few days ago. It was during our Integrated Design Project (IDP) class, and we're working on a soon-to-be-real project. Supposedly it's easier than previous years, but that's not what struck me. My lecturer said something along the lines of "If you don't know how to work this, then might as well don't graduate".

I felt an arrow going through my pink, wretched heart.

So her statement wasn't targeting anyone specifically, but somehow I felt something inside me that made me wanna quit my studies right there and then.

But I couldn't. I would have wasted 3 years of my life. Then again, I already have, studying something I have very little interest in. Then I started to think about the future. Y'know, after I graduate, will I get a job? Am I going to be an engineer or just a person with an engineering degree? Will I ever be good at SOMETHING?

It's no wonder why I'm a loner/socially awkward. Oh, a little side-note, I think that there's a chance of me having Schizoid personality disorder, but that's just my opinion.

Let's just hope I can get through this and learn something, and try to blend in better. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever have permanent friends as well... but I'll save that for another post.

2011-09-18T20:59:00.001+08:00

Going Back

2011-09-12T00:48:00.000+08:00

Summer is over, which means I'm heading back to campus for another year.

Thrilled? Not so much.

I don't know, really. After a summer that was both depressing and exciting, I'm a little anxious to go back to meet my friends again. Four months of little social interaction brings out the socially awkward penguin from within me. I find myself more comfortable being in front of my one true love, my laptop, as well as listening to the sound of my heartbeat, my iPod.

Throughout summer, I didn't have a goal. I don't plan for anything, but I tried to make the most out of it. Once my internship is over, it was total freedom.

Yet, I didn't feel happy. I find myself feeling more down than ever. Notice I didn't blog much last month, nor is my Facebook wall very active. I spent most of my summer on Tumblr, and it was the best summer I had thanks to the people I follow.

It might be rude for me to neglect my other friends. I do meet up with my university friends or call or text or tweet, but it's my high school friends who let me down this time around. I'm afraid I can't explain further here, it's a little bit too personal, something I bet most people won't understand.

However, I did experience a milestone in my life. I baked. My first? Macaroons. It' wasn't perfect, and took me three times to get it right.

Anyway, I dread facing my studies again especially now when I am not ready to. Perhaps this time it's not the subjects, but the place. Four years with ever-changing rules can make you sick and disgusted. I truly am not quite disgusted, but sick, yes.

Hope your summer was better than mine. Fall is coming, and then Winter.

When I Say I'm Happy

2011-09-05T21:13:00.000+08:00

20 Years Left

2011-08-25T19:04:00.000+08:00

Head in the Clouds

2011-08-19T16:47:00.002+08:00

I think I spend too much time living in my fantasy/made-up world.

Should I blame all the fiction books I read? Or is that my social awkwardness has lead me in a life where I imagine stuff to be real when it's not?

Perhaps it's all the fanfic and role-playing sites I often log in to. But those are so much fun to read, I can stay on them for hours.

Maybe it's a way for me to escape my good-but-mundane life to a life more exciting.

It's weird, but I have this thought that maybe I should take a chance and make my own music, but I'm not motivated enough for that.

Seriously, all this life dilemmas is my version of First World Problems, where we can't ever be satisfied with what we have.

I need therapy, but I can't. I can't afford it. Maybe I should just remain in this life and rot to death.

Pardon the dark, depressed tone of this. Happens sometimes, y'know...

She Found Love. That Makes One of Us.

2011-08-17T19:45:00.000+08:00

How I'm Spending My Holiday So Far

2011-08-15T20:55:00.001+08:00

Thank You, Well-Wishers

2011-08-14T13:41:00.007+08:00

I've been trying to find a right song to thank y'all for remembering my birthday, but I can't. Apparently, my music library and knowledge is weaker than I thought. Thus, I'm expressing my gratitude with multiple GIFs.

Thank you for the tweets, text messages, and Facebook message.

and those who don't remember...

Much love to you all who did

Yes, wuv.

And remember: Who's awesome? You're awesome :)

To: Apple, Faz, Ven, Alex, Ting, Monique, Steph, Prema, Bry, Mathew, Sharon, Nor, Vyna, Lee, and my family

The Big 2-2

2011-08-12T10:50:00.001+08:00

Well, it ain't that big, since it's practically the age of young adulthood (21) and the quarter-a-century age (25).

So... yeah.

Ain't No Singing at My Party

2011-08-12T01:26:00.000+08:00

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

2011-08-09T13:53:00.002+08:00

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

~ Mary Elizabeth Frye

Best Things

2011-08-08T12:46:00.003+08:00

12 Days to 22

2011-07-31T22:35:00.003+08:00

Reality of Fear

2011-07-28T09:21:00.000+08:00

Want and Need

2011-07-26T23:18:00.003+08:00

What I want are true friends like Harry has Ron and Hermione
What I need is for someone who would be there for me

What I want is to have more money than I can spend
What I need is a degree so I can work

What I want is more time
What I need is motivation

What I want are skills
What I need is dedication

What I want is talent
What I need is inspiration

What I want is happiness
What I need is self-discovery

What I want is a life
What I need is to find the meaning behind it first

What I want is a rockin' body
What I need is exercise

What I want is to complain less
What I need to do is solve problems

What I want is freedom
What I need is closure

What I want is charm
What I need is confidence

What I want is love and romance
What I need is self-assurance

What I want is to be brave
What I need is courage

What I want to be is a grown-up
What I need to be is myself

The Internship Survival Guide

2011-07-22T09:42:00.001+08:00

Here's a short guide, by me, to help you get through your internship/industrial training/practical. Well, no one asked for it, but I was bored, so here ya go.

1. Know your stuff
The whole point of this is to train you for your potential future even-if-you-don't-want-it career. Learn as much as you can and don't limit yourself. Show them what you're made off; let your supervisor know you think too much.

2. Examine the situation and react accordingly
Now that you're in an office situation, see how everything is. Check out how many people that are close to your age, and try to make friends with them. They should understand you. If your place has more people in the late 40's, make friends too, but keep caution. Try to avoid office gossip, unless they share it with you. Also, don't feel hurt if no one invites you to join them for lunch, even if you are already there for 10 weeks. But chances are, by week 3, they would have. Depends on how friendly they are with you and vice-versa.

3. Have allies
Again, make friends with the right people as well as the wrong. You get both sides of the story if anything goes wrong in any case. Also, they may give your free stuff or share some stories about the company before you came in.

4. Avoid social networing during work
Practically the only form of venting that you have. Make your Facebook wall private, lock your Twitter, etc. You do not want your supervisor to be reading all them tweets you posted (tweeted?) during your internship. It might offend them, reflect badly on you, and ruins their good judgement of you. Alternatively, no status updates or don't tweet during work hours.

5. Talk
There are two level: talk when asked to/provoked/required, and talk whenever you feel like it. Both ways are essential to encourage communication. Try not to talk too much though. They might find you annoying.

6. Make yourself likeable
Greet or smile at the staff. Try not to step on anyone's toe before your last day, or ever, for that matter. Answer questions honestly, but lie when you have to for the sake of others. Do try to win other people's heart. You do not want to be remembered as the trainee that cuased the company to go downhill. Again, don't gossip.

7. Be on time, unless stated otherwise
Some places doesn't require you to clock in, or to 'punch card'. So, if you're as lazy as I was to go to work, at least try to make it by 8:10 am max. 8:00 am if fantastic if you can make it. 8:20am is just being tardy, and that's bad.

8. Have your headphones ready
Two purposes: music, and eavesdropping. Sometimes, when the office gets quiet, you need entertainment. Music helps. If the office staff gets chatty, and their chat is not meant for you to hear, put them on, then eavesdrop if you wish to. If you don't, then turn up the music.

9. Convince others you are as normal as they are
Don't do weird things (i.e. what you do at home when no one's looking) at work. Join in the conversation if asked to, and go with the flow.

10. Hidden talents are meant to be hidden
Well, that depends. If you have an eye for design, make it subtle. When you see the design guy around, casually mention something like "Hey, this looks great! But I would prefer a better colour palette". This hints that you can offer help. Just try not to come off as a show-off. If you have Google-ing skills, however, then don't bother to expose it. Makes stalking easier (stalking not encouraged).

Of course, this all applies only if you stay in the office for the most of your training*. If you're on site (for engineers), then I guess only Rules 1,2,5,6, and 7 applies to you*.

*results may vary

All Was Well

2011-07-17T02:18:00.001+08:00

10 years after the first movie came out, Harry Potter's story finally ends; and it's a bittersweet goodbye for Potterheads.

I love Harry Potter, so it would be difficult not to compare Deathly Hallows Part 2 with the source novel. One thing's for sure, the movie is a bit more dramatic than the book.

Even so, the movie does have flaws like some of the previous films. Let's start at the basic.

But first, a standing ovation for the entire series *applause*

[POSSIBLE SPOILERS: You have been warned]

Storyline. Given it's a 'part two' , we're immediately thrown into the action, with a little bit of plot continuation before that. That said, the movie has quite a fast pace, not giving much time to breathe. I wonder if the movie would be more meaningful if they didn't split it, instead make a 4 hour movie. Then again, that would be too long to sit through. I also felt like there wasn't enough emotion in all this (David Yates did explain in an interview that Part 1 was more intimate, while Part 2 is more action). Everything else was great, as they stayed almost true to the novel's sequencing. Finally, the half-blind Gringotts has a breed: the Ukrainian Ironbelly. This wasn't in the book.

I was, however, disappointed at some points. I was quite disappointed with the ending. I felt the book ending was more meaningful. The final showdown scene between Harry and Voldemort in the books also (sorta) make more sense that the movie. But, like I said, the movie makes everything more dramatic and more explosive. Some well-known quotes (like Neville's "I'll join you when hell freezes over") were ommited, but at least they included Molly's best line ever. Fred's, Lupin's, and Tonks' death was also not as heart-wrenching as expected.

Effects. The usual (jets of lights from wands, explosions, magical creatures, Patronus, etc) were excellent. The best effects were the guards coming alive and when Hogwart's magical protective sheild was formed. Looked so, so amazing. The score was also amazing and well-placed.

The use of 3D wasn't really necessary. However, true Potterheads would want to catch this in 3D; it immerses you into the story and brings you closer into Harry's fight as well as Hogwarts :)

Acting. A standing ovation for everyone. They brought these characters to life 10 years ago, and still manage to amaze us 10 years later. Why none of the actors get an Oscar or Golden Globe nom is beyond my understanding. Hopefully, with this last one, at least a few of them would get some.

Best: Fred and George on the balcony; Gringotts; Neville's speech, King's Cross, the Prince's tale (Snape's memory), the entire battle scene including Harry and Voldemort.
Bad: Hardly any
Stars: 4.5/5

The 'Harry Potter Finale' Playlist

2011-07-13T09:11:00.007+08:00

Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls - End of an Era

Keane - Somewhere Only We Know

Coldplay - Moving to Mars

John Williams - Hedwig's Theme

Adele - Hometown Glory

Frank Turner - Nights Become Days

The Cast - Auld Lang Syne

The Choirboys - Tears in Heaven
Stereophonics - Maybe Tomorrow
Peter von Poehl - The Story of the Impossible

Tonight, My Journey to Hogwarts Ends

2011-07-13T08:54:00.004+08:00

Straitjacket Feeling

2011-07-11T14:59:00.003+08:00

I wrote this a few years ago. Can't remember my state of mind then. Just trying my skills in storytelling.

He stood there, clutching a note in his hand. He did not know if it was the right thing to do. Giving up on love, life, friends, family. He looks up. A rope made from bedsheets hung from the ceiling; he made it.
He grabbed a low stool and placed it beneath the rope. Hesitating, he sat on it, rather than standing on it. He sat there, thinking of all the storm he went through.
He was never happy with life, always making people happy rather than himself. He likes that he makes people smile. He never got anything back, and he didn't mind. He tried to remember his happiest day, but got sad when nothing materialised in his memory. He snapped up and looked around his room. Memories are everywhere, but none remained in his mind.
He thought about his parents; what would they say, how would they feel. They were proud of him, neevr once thought if he was happy. They were, at least, and that mattered to him the most.
He thought about love; nothing. He never experienced love aside from his parents'. He was a loner, hardly the social butterfly but always the wallflower. He didn't blame anyone for it; it was all him.
Finally, he stood up. He climbed on the stool and dropped the note onto his bed below. He looked up and asked God to forgive him for what he was about to do. He grabbed the makeshift rope and fashioned a noose. He placed his head through the loop and said his last prayer. Then he kicked the chair away. Gravity acted so quickly that he didn't have much time to even see his life flash him by. He didn't bother to struggle.
Then, an eerie silence; a stillness in the air.

In One Week

2011-07-07T21:36:00.003+08:00

Bright Star

2011-07-05T09:15:00.000+08:00

Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art —

Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night

And watching, with eternal lids apart,

Like Nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,

The moving waters at their priestlike task

Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,

Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask

Of snow upon the mountains and the moors —

No — yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,

Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,

To feel for ever its soft swell and fall,

Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,

Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,

And so live ever — or else swoon to death.

~ John Keats

I Wanna Be Like Him

2011-07-04T10:22:00.000+08:00

Best Love Song, Ever

2011-07-03T19:43:00.000+08:00

From Pooh's Thotful Spot

2011-07-02T14:42:00.000+08:00

Alone

2011-06-26T22:50:00.000+08:00

From childhood's hour I have not been

As others were; I have not seen

As others saw; I could not bring

My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then- in my childhood, in the dawn

Of a most stormy life- was drawn

From every depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still:

From the torrent, or the fountain,

From the red cliff of the mountain,

From the sun that round me rolled

In its autumn tint of gold,

From the lightning in the sky

As it passed me flying by,

From the thunder and the storm,

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view.

~ Edgar Allan Poe

The 'Final Days' Playlist

2011-06-22T14:13:00.002+08:00

Marion Raven - End Of Me

Lady Gaga - Hair

Lady Gaga - The Edge of Glory
The Rasmus - F-F-F-Falling

Ronan Keating - If Tomorrow Never Comes

The Bird and the Bee - Last Day of Our Love

Adele - Make You Feel My Love

Shontelle - Say Hello to Goodbye

The Academy Is ... - Everything We Had

Coldplay - Fix You

Coldplay - The Scientist

Evanescence - Imaginary

Acid House Kings - Would You Say Stop

Why I Blog, Simplified

2011-06-19T22:45:00.000+08:00

As explained by Amy Adams: -

The End

2011-06-18T16:55:00.001+08:00

This has gotta be the most anticipated movie ever. Can't wait for July. Also, I promise myself I would watch this in 3D.

Day 20

2011-06-15T11:38:00.004+08:00

It's Day 20 of my internship here at Borneo Development Corp. A blog post is due.

But to be honest, I don't know what to post.

Not that I am out of words. It's just that there's practically nothing to blog about. Thought of posting random cat photos (people are weakened by their cuteness, I suppose) but went against it. I have Tumblr for that.

Practically why I post up videos once in a while, ones that i find interesting and worth sharing.

Speaking of sharing, I got blasted online for posting up Lady Gaga's song Scheiße on some magazine's website (given the song was played backwards and the source site described it as 'sounding like a Satanic ritual'...umm). It's not by the mag's site, though. It's by some guy who thought my shared link may cause an uproar between Monsters and non-Monsters. Huh, weird fella.

So yea, that's as much as I find worth sharing.

Oh, also, I can't use torrents to download movies anymore. Malaysia blocked the access to The Pirate Bay, and some Anonymous hacker group (a warning was posted from Finland, i think...?) are getting revenge. Emm... won't affect me much, I got bored downloading movies anyway.

I guess that's it for now. I'll be back on Day 30. I have 27 days left! :D

I would post Scheibe, but I'd rather post up The Edge of Glory.

The Power of Imagination

2011-06-10T22:32:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I didn't discover this earlier. It was posted up on Youtube a year ago.

Silly Old Bear

2011-06-04T23:06:00.000+08:00

My childhood icon paired with one of my favourite songs. Bliss.

11 Days Later

2011-06-01T01:04:00.001+08:00

I was supposed to post this up on Monday, but I (finally) got some work to do.

I'm currently doing my industrial training a.k.a. practical at a nearby development company (and by nearby, I mean 5 mins walk away from my home).

I have 47 days to complete. Some say it's too short to learn anything. I say, 47 days is enough for a person who not too keen to start working just yet, at least not in engineering. Technically, we're not working, but is requested to 'feel like' it to make the experience seem more real. Oh, it's real alright.

So far, as of 31st May, it's 11 days. That was fast, you think? Not so if you just sit at the desk, occasionally go to site, and practically do nothing. You'll be checking the clock every 30 minutes to countdown the time you leave the office.

Hopefully, I get as much knowledge as I can. I try not to limit myself to just the site and merely on structural and construction. All the fine details are, I feel, necessary to learn to improve myself.

Work came in this morning, about a mini project. Fingers crossed I won't screw this up.

Today is Gawai Dayak, so I get 2 days off. A little break, then it's back to work on Friday.

Oh joy.

Far Ahead

2011-05-24T19:17:00.000+08:00

Was cleaning up the blog, weeding out useless posts. Wow, how my blogging style has evolved. From kiddish to dramatic to sarcastic to plain ol' blah.

Someday, I shall look back at this, and think the same way about a few 100 posts after this.

Bad Semester

2011-05-05T18:52:00.005+08:00

So my third year ends. Great.

Three years, and I haven't found something to love about my course. But I guess I just have to live with my decision.

Anyway, I was glad the semester is over. This has been one very, very bad semester. The worst so far. I have no idea what's gonna happen for the next two while I'm still on campus. During the semester,

a) an accident happen on campus grounds that shook the entire student population. The college students reps have been asked to go for counselling sessions to avoid a repeat incident. RIP, my friend.
b) I signed up for the gym, but stopped going after a month due to workload, and pure laziness. We kinda promised the gym instructtor we won't be like one of those people who skips after a while, but we eventually did.
c) politics creeped into the Society, something we promised will never happen again. Bickering and quarrels follow, including a bit of betrayal and lotsa hoopla. The Society is no longer fun to be in anymore; 'fun' being the reason I wanted in in the first place.
d) I discovered that sometimes, friends are not always there for you. But then again, you shouldn't rely too much on others on what you can do by yourself. Just that sometimes, doing something alone is no fun.
e) human beings are complicated becuase we have feelings. The sensation they call 'love', can either bring true bliss, or disastrous results
f) my English is deteriorating due to too much usage of LOLkat language

This time around, even the finals seem to be bad. Study week is filled with much-needed sleep, while the days of non-exams, I spent watching movies while studying. Not good. I ended up focusing more on mvoies rather than studies.

I don't regret anything though. What done is done.

Also, it dawned on me that here in university, I have no group/gang/clique/whatchamacallit. I mean, I have very good friends that I always hang out with, but not, like, epic-ly close with me. I had that in high school before, but now I realised I was never a part of it. Sure, we were very close 5 years back, but now, no more. Maybe because they still think of me as the disciplined, uptight, no-nonsense, party-pooper kinda type like I was in high school. Who can blame them, my life is as interesting as the glowing thing inside a lava lamp, and even that is more interesting.

Yes, after a week of non-blogging, everything starts spilling out. I guess I don't have anyone to talk to. Maybe that's why poeple choose to fall in love, so that they have someone to talk to without it being a family member or merely a friend with a shoulder to cry on.

The semester seem to pass by quite fast, but I wish it would actually end with a positive note. Instead, it ends with a simple full-stop.

Ah well, perhaps I'm asking for too much. No one lives forever, anyway.

Of Elephants, The Circus, and Edward playing Jacob

2011-05-02T11:10:00.005+08:00

If you know what I mean by the this post title, you would know. If you don't, you don't.

I went to a sneak preview of Rob Pattinson's latest film Water for Elephants, and I LOVED it!!

~~[Kinda busy, so I'll write my full review later]~~

I read the book months before the movie was released, so I went to watch with high expectations, to see if the charm from the book is translated well onto the big screen. I am not disappointed, not even a bit.

The movie was very good. Not great, but very good. It's been a while that circus-themed movies has been made, so it's kinda nice to see one after a while. The movie retains the circus charm that you get from reading the book. The score by James Newton Howard was amazing, making everything feel so magical more than it already seem to be.

It's good to see Rob finally becoming a true leading man. Sure, he still has a bit of trouble expressing himself via his face, but his body language makes up for that. It's also good to see him being able to capture the character of Jacob very well (now, here is what the post title refers to. In 'Twilight", he played the vampire Edward who dislikes shapeshifter, Jacob). Reese Witherspoon was equally charming, playing Marlena very well. I haven't seen much movies by Christoph Waltz, but here, he was amazing as August. The best thing about the movie, is, of course, the elephant Rosie. You have to see it, I can't tell you how adorable she is.

Nothing much on the plot, mainly because it follows the book quite closely, except for a few details, both minor and major. No worries, I won't spoil it. If you have read the book, then you know how the story goes.

Yea, so this review is short cos I have nothing much to say. I mean, it's simple: if it's good, it's good. If it's bad, it's bad. In this movie's case, it's good. Very good. [3 1/2 stars]

For A Good Friday and a Happy Easter

2011-04-23T01:22:00.001+08:00

The Resurrection of Jesus Christ through the eyes of Twitter. Nicely done.
Have a blessed Good Friday, and Happy Easter Sunday everyone!
Video by Igniter Media

It's So Sweet, I Just Can't.

2011-04-22T19:18:00.000+08:00

via Perez Hilton. On Youtube.

Waking Up to Coldplay

2011-04-21T15:07:00.002+08:00

I woke up this morning to this song. It was playing on my iPod as I opened my eyes.

I think I shall deploy songs from Adele, Jamie Cullum, Alexandre Desplat, Coldplay, and maybe Travis for this study week. Hope that would give me enough patience to study everything thoroughly.

Between You And Me

2011-04-18T18:12:00.001+08:00

I have always loved this song. The Keane original, the Glee cover, the Burberry Acoustic session ... *sigh*

The song reminds me of the final scene in the movie Atonement. The couple never made it to their dream home by the beach. It's a place only they knew, and where they plan to escape to.

I dedicate this song to lovers out there, who wishes to escape and be together forever.

'This Would End Badly' Playlist

2011-04-08T08:51:00.000+08:00

30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill

Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name Of

Led Zeppelin - Your Time is Gonna Come

Blue October - Hate Me

Deep Purple - Smoke on the Water

My Chemical Romance - Kill All Your Friends

My Chemical Romance - Teenagers

Muse - Assassin

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll

3 Doors Down - It's Not My Time

Get It Right

2011-04-07T17:42:00.000+08:00

The song kinda reflects my feelings right now. Comes at a perfect time when I'm starting to doubt everything about myself. Everything around me seems to go wrong. If you're feeling the same way, take a listen. It's quite good, actually.

What have I done

I wish I could run away from this ship going under

Just trying to help

Hurt everyone else

Now I feel the weight of the world is, on my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough

And all that you touch tumbles down

Cause my best intentions

Keep making a mess of things

I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many times will it take?

Oh how many times will it take for me

To get it right

Can I start again

With my faith shaken,

Cause I can't go back and undo this

I just have to stay

And face my mistakes

But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough

And all that you touch tumbles down

Cause my best intentions

Keep making a mess of things

I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many times will it take?

Oh how many times will it take for me

To get it right

So I throw up my fist

Throw a punch in the air

And accept the truth

That sometimes life isn't fair

I'll send out a wish and I'll send out a prayer

And finally someone will see

How much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough

And all that you touch tumbles down

Cause my best intentions

Keep making a mess of things

I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many times will it take?

Oh how many times will it take

To get it right

The 'I Need Help But I Hear No One' Playlist

2011-04-07T09:08:00.000+08:00

Remy Zero - Save Me

Sum 41 - Slipping Away

Rooney - Get Away

Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me

Full Blown Rose - Somebody Help Me

Coldplay - Swallowed in the Sea

Kelly Clarkson - Irvine

Evanescence - Even In Death

California Liar - Show Me What I'm Looking For

Lindsay Lohan - My Beautiful Life (La Bella Vita)

Strays Don't Sleep - For Blue Skies

Up in Kinabalu

2011-03-30T15:54:00.000+08:00

It's my first Borneo Debating Championship a.k.a. Borneo Cup since I first forayed into the debating world 3 years ago, and I must say, it's way more fun than I anticipated.

Yes, I have expressed my doubt and concerns about going, how I felt about gling and about it being a wrong decision. Well, I cou;dn't say I was right, nor was I wrong. I was on the dot.

TBH, I felt a bit ignored and invisible throughout the entire tournament. Given that I'm practically useless there since I have no role, not adjudicator nor a debater. I did, however, stepped in for a swing team when they needed one in the first two rounds, but that's just it.

Those who noticed me, thanks. I needed someone there, and you were there for me. May God always bless you with the best things in life and help you out of life's challenges.

Unstable emotions aside, I felt we did good in the competition, the two teams. One team managed to break into the quarter finals, but crashed out there and lost to the host institution. Some people (our side, duh) is buzzing that they let the host win becuase, well, their the home team. Kinda like how Miss World works (one spot in the Top 15 (or 20, or 10, can't remember) is reserved for the host country). I brush that off, because I felt both team did great but the adjudicators one team is better than the other.

One of the seniors told me that we may not even break because the strong teams are here (they're in every tournament), but they (senior team) made it to the quarts eventually. Hehe :)

Of course, no tournament is without its flaws. This one is more about (what else?) food. Although ... I had insider scoop on even more details, but I guess it's not my prerogative to share insider secrets ;)

*sigh*

Outside debates, however, many, many, MANY things happened. Things that include whatever they include when they say 'What happens in vegas, stays in Vegas'. LOL.

The highlight of my trip is not shopping (although I did had a ball at 1Borneo), but last night: Playing card games till the sun rises. Epic fun! :D Some of us were playing cards while the others (most of the debaters who drinks) get wasted at Jesselton Point. Well, it's their prerogative ;)

Of course, me being me, there's the occasional emotional instability I experience. I didn't tell anyone or at least, the whole group about my feelings. Just one or two.

I have to say, that 3 days was like a long vacation for me. It took my mind away from all the drama that's happening back home in Kuching. although my presence at the tournament is practically unncessary and useless, I had fun. It was like a vacation for me, with the added benefits of debating on-call.

Too bad it has to end.

The 'What Stays in KK' Playlist

2011-03-30T07:07:00.000+08:00

Suede - Attitude

Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over

Jamie Foxx - Blame It (On The Alcohol)

Ke$ha - TiK ToK

Paramore - Pressure

Nada Surf - Where Is My Mind

The Frames - Falling Slowly

Sheryl Crow - All I Wanna Do

The Spill Canvas - Saved

Clay Aiken - Invisible

Coldplay - Lost!

Suicidal Tendencies - How Will I Laugh Tomorrow When I Can't Even Smile Today

Bad Move

2011-03-20T20:12:00.000+08:00

I'm beginning to think my decision to go to Sabah is a wrong one.

I can't be sure; I'm not a fortune teller.

I dunno. Maybe I'm letting my emotions take over my thinking too often. Like now, for instance. Last week was full of work, and finally, when Sunday comes around, I feel that I'm overly sensitive.

I hate it when my emotions cloud my judgement. Then again, what can I do, I was born this way. Either that or my program has a glitch.

*sigh* Well, the decision is made. I'm going eventually, whether I still want to or not. Not gonna waster Rm300 on a half-half decision.

Gotta get my poker face ready. No tells now.

Decisions, Decisions

2011-03-19T20:18:00.001+08:00

I've decided to tag along with my friends to Sabah for debates.

Yes, it's so last minute, but it was a tough decision.

It took forever because

a) I have classes on Friday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday
b) I have labwork on Tuesday morning
c) I have little to no money to spend
d) I am too weak to function properly

I finally decided to join despite my lack of funding (thanks, mom and dad. I shall try to fulfill that promise of taking you guys to Paris one day...). This past week has been exhausting, so I feel that I need a little change in environment. Since the opportunity is there, why not take it?

It might be a bad move, as I may have to reschedule my labwork, and it's already late in the semester to get such a major work done. I have to inform my lecturers of my absence. Worst, I won't have time to party with them at KK because I will be arriving a day later and leaving a day earlier than them. But I need a break.

But I guess it's a (sad but necessary *sigh*) decision I have to take to leave there early. Hopefully I make it back in time for my lab.

Just hope everything go as planned.

Is This The End

2011-03-13T10:43:00.000+08:00

Is this the end?

Then why does it feel

We'd only just begun

I thought we were done

I think I'll hang on

If you still want me

But if you don't

I guess I'll move on

And if you need me

Close your eyes and dream

I'll give you back your key

But will you be happy?

Will you be happy?

Said we'll leave it alone

But I won't be here long

And when I'm gone

I guess then we'll know

Still waiting for Zee Avi's sophomore album

People Always Leave

2011-03-10T18:41:00.000+08:00

The sky's turning grey

The day's getting late

I look around me

To find what I hate

Standing here alone

An island in the sea

I keep asking myself

Why does it only happen to me

Why does this happen

Why did you go

No longer here with me

Left me alone on the floor

The things that you did

I can always forgive

But it is undeniable

People always leave

Someday I shall put music to these, and improve on my writing. Got inspired by a One Tree Hill episode in which Peyton drew that art (above) about people always leaving.

The Hardest 5-Letter Word To Say Sometimes

2011-03-10T01:23:00.001+08:00

We make decisions in our lives that can impact not only us, but everyone around us.

A year ago, I decided that I wanna stop debating. Just quit the club. Leave while I still can. But I stuck around. I stuck around because I realised I liked it more than I thought I did. I stayed because the people I like to be with is there. I remained because I'm emotionally attached to everyone.

Emotionally attached, as in, I just care for everyone.

A year later, I feel that the club is falling apart. I guess I have myself to blame for it. I am not a good club president. Nothing runs smoothly under me. Everything seems to go wrong.

What makes matters worse is that the people who I stayed for are either too busy for the club or ignoring me personally.

Maybe it was something I said. Obviously it was something I did. I think I'm supposed to figure it out for myself, but it doesn't help that the ones ignoring you are practically not talking to you as well.

I blame myself for everything that's going on in the club. I'm sorry, everyone, even if not everyone is reading this.

I'm sorry for being lazy. I'm sorry for not being serious enough. I'm sorry for giving you excuses. I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry to my sister. I'm sorry to my best guy friend. I'm sorry to my music lover friend. I'm sorry to my best girl friend. I'm sorry to the debate leader.

I guess rather than saying sorry, I should just try to fix everything. But I need a hint, a clue as to where to start from, but no one is giving me one.

Closer To The Edge

2011-03-02T17:42:00.001+08:00

Sometimes (most of the time, actually), I regret being born this way.

To speak truthfully, I don't believe in myself. I don't think that I will ever be happy as long as I never mind. The thing is, I don't think I understand life so much, and I have lived two decades. Is my thought a sign of my impending death?

*shakes head as if the thought is stuck*

I'm just worried about myself. I mean, when it comes to emotions and feelings. If I were to make myself truly happy, I'm afraid of the outcome. If I follow the norm, I'm also afraid of the outcome. If I just stand still and don't move, it's a hopeless future for me.

I see so many people out here achieving their dreams, their goals, their wish for the zest of life! But what do I see in the mirror? A person who will never be happy because he has no hope, no motivation, and just lost on the freeway.

I really think I need therapy. Watching three movies in a row is not helping my state of mind, although it does take me away from all the stress. It helps me get into the fantasy side of mmy mind where I feel happy and no one cares about me. Then, I settle back with my feet on the ground, and realise everyone is moving forward except me.

You could say I have a split personality, and I hope that you're right. But I don't even know who I am now, let alone having someone else tell me about myself. I drive myself crazy trying to sort myself, yet always reaching the conclusion that happiness is impossible for me ...

... unless I break free.

But to be honest, I don't see that happening. I guess I should just give in and wait till I see the light at the end of the tunnel .. or as the saying goes, kick the bucket.

Life is full of sunshine and joy, but the amount of regrets outweigh that, whether we admit it or not. *sigh*

Explains the Blog Name

2011-02-27T22:59:00.003+08:00

Your Love Song Is Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

by Jack Johnson

"Maybe you've been through this before
But it's my first time so please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you
I can't always be waiting, waiting on you
I can't always be playing, playing your fool"

You've been waiting for love, and you're not going to wait any longer!

What Love Song Are You?

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

127 Hours, or 5 Days

2011-02-27T11:42:00.001+08:00

I heard about 127 Hours a few months before it was released. Heard it was a true story, heard that the director is Danny Boyle, and heard that the lead is James Franco.

What a movie this turned out to be.

First, it's not a movie. It's a storytelling type of film. So, don't go in the cinema hall expecting to be entertained. There's a lesson to be learned here, quite a few. The best one is that if you have the will to live, you would survive anything. And after all that Aron Ralston has been through, he could. He really could. I salute the guy for being tough throughout his life test. I would have just died right there.

Second, this should have gotten Danny Boyle an Oscar nomination for direction, but sadly no. I personally felt the film was well shot. It immerses you into the film, and into Aron's situation. I admire his style of filmmaking, where he focuses on details and emotions. The screenwrite is as good as the film. The way it's written makes you feel for the guy so much. Makes me think about life, too. Also, the most crucial scene in the movie is the hardest to watch.

Third, James Franco should get an Oscar for this. If he doesn't, I'll give one to him. I may not have read the book (I shall go find it), but I felt James gave an amazing performance, and critics agree. He made us feel for his character, made us believe that everything there was real (for a film, that is.). He made me feel fear, feel hope. In short, he was good. Very good.

One thing, the way the story goes, I can't help to compare this with Buried. The same case, but different genre and outcome. Buried was effingly good, but this one is much better.

4.5/5 stars! (4 for story, 0.5 for reallism)

Glamour, Glitter, Burlesque

2011-02-27T11:19:00.001+08:00

I watched the movie for Christina Aguilera and Cam Gigandet, but I got a whole lot more. .

Sure, the '11 Golden Globes nominations for Burlesque is unexpected and (some say) silly, but I say, it's a perfectly good musical movie which is not award-baiting and is full of fun.

Cher return to the big screen, Botox and all. She sang 2 songs in this, and one of 'em won the Best Original Song at this year's Globes. The song is indeed great, but her face hardly has any expression. Still OK, I guess. As for Christina Aguilera (her debut film!), quite OK in acting. Her best asset is still her voice, and she did some wonderful singing in this. If you think Bionic is bad, then check out the soundtrack for this. All hope is not lost.

Guys, if your girlfriends drag you to this, no worries. There's lots of pretty girls in itsy-bitsy clothing as your eye candy while your girl enjoys the girliness of the movie.

Everything else is somewhat predictable. It's somewhat a cross between Coyote Ugly and Dreamgirls - musical pattern like Dreamgirls, storyline like Coyote Ugly - but with more sensuality. Nonetheless, still worth a watch if you're sick of serious-to-death Oscar movies or lame-ass rom-coms.

In short: it's fun, colourful, sensual, sexy, dramatic, and nicely-crafted. It's no Chicago or Hairspray, but more enjoyable.

3/5 stars for me (2 for movie, 1 for soundtrack!)

The Killer Road to Perfection

2011-02-25T00:54:00.003+08:00

I like movies. Some are amazing, some are good, some are bad, some are so bad that it's good, and some are so good it's amazing. I'm no movie reviewer, but I like to comment on movies.

The first movie I watched this year is a psycho-thriller Black Swan, and I have to say it was good. Very, very good.

I don't know much about ballet, but I know that a dancer uses his or her body movement to show feelings and expressions. So I guess that's what ballet dancer do.

Anyway, the uber-best thing about this movie is the score. It was so good, that at the first piano note, I have decided to go and download the score online. True, it was adapted from Tchaikovsky, but it was a good adaptation. Sad thing, it's not eligible for an Oscar.

Natalie Portman embraced her role perfectly. Her dancing seems a bit stiff, she wasn't as fluid as Mila Kunis, but a very good performance nonetheless. As for Mila Kunis, I haven't seen her around much (either that or I don't notice her much), but she did good in this. She should make more movies. The directing was good. Darren Aronofsky did a good job as a director. I like how the story goes, it's like one big metaphor. Or something like that. Like, one big dream-like movie but it's in real life. and it has actual meaning.

Movies like this should be made more often. Powerful, strong, deep, stunning movies that has a point behind it. At least it's up for a Best Picture Oscar.

It was definitely worth the RM12 movie ticket.

4.5/5 stars from me :)

Sleep Alone

2011-02-23T09:14:00.000+08:00

Being alone is not bad.

Or is it?

I came in to class today at 8 a.m. No one was there yet. Weird, since class starts at 8 a.m. The lecturer was already there, scribbling on the whiteboard. As I took my seat, my coursemates filed in.

Then, I noticed something.

No one even noticed me sitting there. either that or I smell funny.

Then came this feeling that although I have friends here, I don't have true, true friends. I don't have, at least not much, ture friends who would spend time listening to me. I, however, is readily available to listen to anyone who wants to talk to me. Maybe I'm a good listener, but I'm hoping for too much in return.

I hope I leave the world early. I can't afford to be nice to everyone but still be invisible at the same time.

I guess being alone is not so much of a good thing. Sure, you get time to do things for yourself, but it makes you think of how your life would end. Will you be alone, or will there be people crying at your bedside when your spirit leaves the mortal world?

I'm thinking too much right now, mainly because I feel alone.

And for sure, I would always feel that way.

People always say, you're not alone. There's always God.

True, but God is waaaaay up there and I'm waaaaay down here. I believe He's watching over me, but I only feel the wind blowing off my shoulder.

But I guess I can't expect people to be there for me all the time, right.

So, if you have somebody to love and to be beside you, appreciate that person. You do not want to end up alone in this world.

Like me.

The 'Self-Healing' Playlist

2011-02-22T21:49:00.001+08:00

I find music is best to heal the soul.

Coffee and Cigarettes - Michelle Featherstone

Light on My Shoulder - Susie Suh

Learn to be Lonely - Minnie Driver

Mend Your Broken Heart - Antonio McLendon

If I Rise - Dido & A.R. Rahman
Rose's Turn - Chris Colfer

Daydreamer - Adele

Towards the Sun - Alexi Murdoch

Ready to Start - Arcade Fire

Let Me Fall - Bethany Joy Lenz

Be Yourself - Audioslave

Take Me or Leave Me - Idina Menzel/Tracie Thoms

Jumping to Edges and Conclusions

2011-02-22T16:17:00.000+08:00

So I jumped to conclusions.

That's a bad thing. Maybe that's why one of my friends is seemingly avoiding me. Two, actually.

I don't know. Maybe I think too much about this.

I skipped my aerobics class yesterday. Still too confused with my emotions to listen to instructions. Instead, I stayed indoors, turned on The Vampire Diaries and did some colouring for an online contest.

I guess now I understand why they say an emotional problem is something no one can cure. Even I myself can't cure mine.

I don't know what's going on with me. I could blame it on hormones, I could blame it on my surroundings, I can even blame it on the alcohol (but I won't; I'm sober).

*sigh* Hopefully they would show up tomorrow. I need to apologize.

If you're reading this ... am I too late to apologize?

Too Good Not To Post

2011-02-20T14:20:00.002+08:00

The 'Unstable Emotions' Playlist

2011-02-17T16:20:00.000+08:00

Love You More - James William Hindle

For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep

Only Fooling Myself - Kate Voegele

What Do You Want From Me - Adam Lambert

Hiding My Heart - Adele

Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself - The White Stripes

Back To Me - All American Rejects

All She Knows - Bruno Mars

Terrified - Katharine McPhee
Let It Happen - Jimmy Eat World

Staring At The Mess I Made

2011-02-15T11:47:00.000+08:00

Should've held my ground

I could've been redeemed

For every second chance

That changed its mind on me

I should've spoken up

I should've proudly claimed

That my head's to blame

For all my heart's mistakes

I'm staring at the mess I made

As you turn, you take your heart and walk away

Pavements That I Am Chasing

2011-02-15T02:20:00.001+08:00

You try hard to impress someone, but then you realise you're not trying hard enough. Well, at least, not hard enough for that one person to notice.

I guess it's all my fault that today wasn't as smooth sailing as I thought it would be. Given I've never been on a date before, so I don't know how these things work. Then again, I can say I've watched enough movies to know. Then again again, it's all scripted.

I made the reservations late, we came for it late, and the night didn't end with a high note. Not that kind of note, whatever you're thinking right now :P

As wise men say, only fools rush into love. I can say I'm a fool, fool for you.

I can't really say it's love. At least, not right now. I'm not sure there's mutual connection between us. Sure, there are some things in common. But I don't really see this going anywhere. We're from different lifestyles, somewhat like that human and sparkly vampire love story.

So, yeah, tonight wasn't what I expected to be. I was hoping for something with more spark, more impressive, more thought-out. I guess I'm not as awesome as I thought I am.

Clearly, I'm disappointed. But I do not want to show this, not in front of you, and everyone else for that matter.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm chasing something I know that won't come true nor will it be real, but I'm trying to not be myself and fix myself. I'm not broken, but I believe I need the fix to become as normal as possible. I can't shake off my cracks, but at least I can cover it up.

I promise next year, I'll try harder. But who knows. Maybe next year, you belong to someone else.

Just maybe. But with your beauty, sophistication, and spirit for life, you're simply irresistable and charming. Who doesn't love that; you tell me.

I know I do.

And the three words I can't say just yet.

La Saint-Valentin

2011-02-13T21:58:00.001+08:00

It's my favourite holiday of all, besides Christmas. Mainly because ... I'm a hopeless romantic :P

Anyway, tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I thought of posting up some song selections to add to your playlist. This year (not sure if I posted anything last year), the songs goes through almost all genres, as well as 4 separate lists.

I'm not sure if I'm heading out anywhere tomorrow, but for sure I ain't getting any chocolates for myself. I don't need that extra sugar in my system .. at least, for myself, no. If someone gets em for me, hell yeah ;) Besides, you know how pathetic is it for a guy to get himself chocolates for V-Day? Very.

Anyway, here's my playlist.

For the heartbroken

Duffy - Rain on My Parade

Pixie Lott - Can't Make This Over

The Rasmus - The One I Love

U2 - With or Without You

Jack Johnson - Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Paramore - Decode

Bruno Mars - Grenade

Adele - Someone Like You

All Time Low - Toxic Valentine

Lady Gaga - Telephone

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry

Cee-Lo Green - Fuck You

James Morrison - Broken Strings

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

TLC - Dear Lie

For The Singles

The Academy Is ... - About A Girl

We The Kings - Secret Valentine

Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself

Lea Michele/Kristen Chenoweth - Maybe This Time

Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten

Avril Lavigne - What The Hell

Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over

Gavin DeGraw - I Don't Wanna Be

Diana King - Say A Little Prayer

Lady Gaga - Born This Way

Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly. - Chronicles of a Bohemian Teenager

Zero 7 - Distractions

Queen - Somebody to Love

Ryan Star - Brand New Day

For Making Out & More

Des'ree & Babyface - Fire

James Blunt - Carry You Home

Pussycat Dolls - Buttons

Katy Perry - Peacock

Britney Spears - I'm A Slave 4 U

Beyonce - Baby Boy

Boys II Men - I'll Make Love To You

Example - Won't Go Quietly

Jace Everett- Bad Things

Justin Timberlake - Love Sex Magic

Edward Maya - Stereo Love

Dennis de Laat - Sound of Violence (Main Mix)

For Those In love

Thierry Amiel - L'Amour En Face

Chuck Prophet - No Other Love

Monica - Angel of Mine

He Is We - Happily Ever After

C21 - Stuck in My Heart

Muse - Can't Take My Eyes Off You

Nada Surf - Here Goes Something

Natasha Bedingfield - Soulmate

Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are

Trading Yesterday - Beautiful

Alicia Keys - If I Ain't Got You

Bee Gees - How Deep is Your Love

Bethany Joy Galeotti & Enation - Feel This

Jasmine Ash - I Wished for You

Jesse McCartney - Because You Live

For a Dance or Slow Dance

Colbie Caillat - Dreams Collide

Andrew Belle - All Those Pretty Lights

The Pogues - Love You Till the End

Rudy Vallée - P.S. I Love You

Norah Jones - Come Away With Me

Norah Jones - Are You Lonesome Tonight

Tony Bennett - The Way You Look Tonight

Evanescence - My Immortal

Aqualung - Garden of Love

Iron & Wine - Such Great Heights

The Bravery - Ours

Broken Scar - Hey You

A Fine Frenzy - Ashes and Wine

Garrett Hedlund & Leighton Meester - Give In To Me

Joss Stone - Super Duper Love

Happy Valentine's Day!!

p/s when playing above songs, if anything happens, it ain't on me 'kay :P

Lost in a Nightmare

2011-01-29T01:26:00.000+08:00

What started out as a so-so week ended up with two of the worst days so far.

I don't know what happened to me for the last few days. Wednesday went fine, but after that, it didn't. Nothing felt right on Thursday and Friday.

After a few round of UNO at the airport Starbucks on Wednesday night, my friends and I wen back to campus at 3.00 am. Once I got back to my room, I went straight to sleep.

I woke up at 6:30 a.m., my usual time to get up every morning. I realised that there wasn't any class, so I went back to sleep.

Now, throughout the 3 hrs sleep,I slept a dreamless sleep. After 6:30, my dream was weird. I can't remember it well, but I woke up feeling tired and restless at the same time at 9.00 a.m. I'm not sure if it's a nightmare or what.

I guess I'm just thinking too much, but I don't know what I am thinking of. I just feel lost. I don' know what to do for Thursday and Friday. I lost my footing, and I don't know how to get back up.

Maybe it's because I'm stressed. Yet I'm unsure what is stressing me out. Sure, there's many things going on around me that's worrying me, but none of them stand out enough to get me overworked. I think I need professional help.

I also realise that I'm starting to whine here again. *sigh* Apologies, folks.

Taking Chances

2011-01-27T01:21:00.000+08:00

I can feel the pressure building inside, and I try my best to keep myself busy just to ignore the fact that I have serious unresolved issues.

I gave a speech about taking chances for a public speaking activity today. I went on for 6 minutes saying how chances are a cross between a risk and an opportunity, and how this can affect life. I tried to sound positive, but in true honesty, I feel that chances are like a gamble.

True, chances come in many form, but choosing the wrong one, although it might appear right to begin with, can lead to disaster. I chose the life I have now. I chose to make people happy. I chose to ignore my own happiness. I took a chance to change lives.

Sometimes I feel I'm being too nice. People even said that straight to my face. Thanks, guys. Tell me something I don't know.

In truth, I can't seem to make myself happy. I tried, but eventually, at the end of the day, I feel guilty. I can't seem to make myself happy doing simple things. I get bored to easily. That's why I feel that making others happy makes me happy.

Chances are, I won't find eternal bliss that I've always wanted. Not that I chose not to, just that the chance is there but I don't grab it. I fear for rejection, I fear of commitment, I fear for the choice that I make may not be the one for me.

Ambrose Redmoon says "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear". I believe in that. Thing is, I'm too scared my life isn't how I want it to be. How I imagined it to turn out.

So if you have taken a chance, congratulations. If it's the right one, applause to you. Just don't ever doubt it, for you may end up like me.

Funfair. Unexpectedly.

2011-01-23T09:03:00.000+08:00

OK, so I haven't updated y'all on hwhat's going on so far. 20 days into 2011, and the sun has yet to shine.

First off, the rain as been pouring. Not as bad as the Australian floods (may God be with them...), but still bad nonetheless.

Then there's the classes. Some classes sart on the first week, some the second. This is week 3, and one class hasn't have much study going on! This time last year, we are already up to our noses with assignments and tutorials. This year, everything seem to be moving at a mediocre pace. I'm not complaining, but boredom settles in much too often.

Then, there's me. I seem to be facing lots of bad luck lately. My broadband modem failed on me, my car seem to have fequent squeaks and thumps, and my savings are decreasing without any money going in. I nhave to try to be thrifty again, which I don't mind but it gets frustrating and tiresome.

My stress level was off the charts, and it was only January, for crying out loud!

Of course, there are turning points. I have my debate family (besides the family and high school family I already have). Oh how I always enjoy myself with them. I guess it's because we're somewhat tightly-knitted, so we feel close and comfortable in each other's company.

I had one of the worst week this week, week 3. I could say it's the most stressed out week so far. I can't seem to sleep well, I think too much, and I realise I'm getting more and more disorganized/ as the day goes by. Even worse, I don't know what I'm doing every day. It's like I just float around and do things through snap decisions, except for classes of course. those are by the schedule I haven't skipped any yet, not that I plan to, but there are things I need to handle, and my classes are getting in my way, as always.

But then, Thursday (20th) came along, and I could say it is the best day of this week and the week hasn't even ended yet!

Class was OK. There was a quiz, but the lecturer noticed I struggled with the question, so she said I can take it home and finish it. Then, after class, at around 4, I went to the gym. I don't go for lifting, but just for the aerobics class for now. there wasn't one today, so I did my own thing .. for about 20 minuts. I didn't know much on waht to do, so I left early. Strangely, I became stress-free, suddenly happy. I blame them endorphines. Tonight was also supposed to be debate practice night, but no one showed up expect for Ting, Alex, Vyna, and I. Sad, right? Anyway, We ewaited for an hour but no one turned up, so we left. I was hungry, so I wanted to get some food outside at DI. Alex tagged along; she was hungry too. Then it happened.

You know how I said I do things based on a snap decision?

Well, Alex decided that she wanted to go on this pirate-ship-swing ride at the funfair at DI. Knowing me as the scadredy cat, I totally freaked out. But I couldn;t leave her alone on the ride, and there was this feeling that Iw anted to try it too, though I know I'm too scared to admit it. SO we went on it.

It was fun, but I totally freaked out 100% of the entire 3 minutes. Yup, 3 minutes. Long, right? It was like an epic swing, and it creaked. Things were going thru my head, while Alex was enjoying herself much.

O.o

So, finally, the ride ended, and we got off. Her eyes caught on to the twirl-a-whirl-ish kinda ride, the one that runs in a circle real fast that you might puke (there's a name to this, right?...), but I said it was enough for tonight.

She's going back there again soon, I can feel it. so then we got some grub, and went back.

And that was my first funfair ride in ages :D

Undiscovered

2011-01-07T23:05:00.002+08:00

At the age of 21, one would probably discover themselves already. Who they are, what they want, who they want to be with, even learn to love and lost.

As for me, I'm more of a late bloomer. Back when everyone was all hip and cool and bring along the latest gadget, I'm the one who dress in whatever I feel comfortable in and always the fashion victim. While everyone was in acid-washed jeans, I was wearing my khakis for weekend hangouts with friends.

Then, comes the love part. I fell in love once, or so I thought. What I perceived as love was just a crush that I can't control. No, I didn’t get into an obsession, but there was something in me that say that that one is the one. But I guess I was wrong. So, here I am, age 21, not knowing what love actually is.

In short, I have not discovered myself.

I found an article just now. It's written for girls, but it piqued my curiosity to read it anyway. It's about alpha male vs. metrosexual. It talks about which type of guy is better to date. There are pros, cons, and criteria to see what type does a particular guy fall in. I read through, and I realised that I am ... neither.

It's really weird.

OK, I admit, I ain't no ordinary guy. I'm not that epic-ly masculine guy you see all buff exiting the gym every day. I'm more like the guy next door. Then again, I'm neither an alpha male nor a metrosexual. I'm somewhere in between but at the same time lightyears away from either one.

I grew up with my mom and sister cos my dad travels a lot. So, I don't get much male influence, even in school. Only when I got to matrix do I gain new friends, and I see them as how guys should be like. The university came, and I meet more guy friends, and I learn even more. So, yes, I am a late bloomer.

How late? I'm still single while one of my guy friends is dating two girls at the same time.

Yea.

But I guess living with two women most of my teen years has taught me what is wrong the alpha male concept. True, both guys and girls are different, but we're the same when it comes to one thing: emotions. Thus, it's hard for me not to judge a guy if he's doing wrong with a girl, and vice versa. I'm not saying that I understand both genders perfectly, but I'm learning.

I'm trying to hang out more with guys, but the thing is, I have no one to hang out with. Not many at least. So, I hang out with my girl friends. I learn more about them in hopes that this would be useful if I do fall in love.

If. Eventually.

So, for y'all out there, love yourself. if you have found yourself. Don't wallow in self pity like me.

p/s I think I just broke my NY's resolution not to whine on my blog... meh :P

Auld Lang Syne

2010-12-31T19:03:00.000+08:00

The last post of 2010.

For starters, this year ain't exactly the best in my life, but I loved it. I got to experience so, so, SO many new things this year.

I fulfilled one thing on my 25 Things To Do Before I'm 30 list, and that Learning a Foreign Language. I took French Level 1 this year, and got an A-. I skipped Level 2 last semester, but did my own studying, thanks to Google Translate :P

In life, I turned 21. The age of maturity. Hah! I've never felt more like a kid wanting to go crazxy all the time. I've also developed this habit of wanting to go out and have fun, a lot. But with the current economic situation I am in, I have to limit that.

I have done some things that I only told certain people about, and I guess it should just stay with those certain people. Let's just say it's something my mom said not to do until I'm 25 (if you know me well, you know what I mean :P)

I developed a secret crush on someone that only one person in the world knows (a different person, not the crushed-on), and as of now, that crush is slowly shrinking, mainly because the one I'm crushing on likes someone else. This is why I just stay away from romance in any form. Heartbreak is not something that you want to haunt your life.

I also learn more about views from both man and woman, or guy and girl. I shared my problems with my girl friends on campus, about everything as much as they shared with me. I hung out and bonded even closer with my guy friends on campus. Let's not forget my sisters who I love so much. Haven't chilled with them in a while, but I guess they're just busy with their own life.

I fulfilled some of my resolution that I made last New Year's Day, like losing weight. I can now fit into my Size 32 jeans. Yay! Sadly, I gained it faster. I started to jog around the campus with my girl and guy friends since Semester 2. I lost weight since then, but not so much in body mass. Maybe I'll go to the gym next year, eh.

I also did some rather fun things this year, which include a movie premiere of Twilight: Eclipse. If you have been following my activities closely, you would know that I'm a Twilighter. Yea, it was fun.

I got closer to my debate family. I even got to the finals of Yayasan Sarawak Debate! It's not something to be epicly proud of, but it is an achievement for me. Did OK, got 2nd place, got RM1000 for my effort.

I've also begun to blog more frequently now, but it's full of whining. You must be bored of me by now, huh? I should stop whining here. It makes for no entertainment.

I've also broke my record of most movies watched this year. I watched 26 movies throughout the entire 2010! Sure, that's not a lot, considering the amount of movies out there this year alone.

Next year, I promise to be a better person. I shall share love everywhere, complain less, smile more, and dress more awesome.

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? No. Always remember those you know, new and old.

So, let's take a cup of kindness, and auld lang syne.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011!!

Oh, It's Still Christmas

2010-12-25T20:39:00.001+08:00

Well, another Christmas is here, and it went as fast as it arrived.

It is just as eventful this year as it was last. That is, not much.

So, as usual, there's a Christmas family gathering last night. Usually, we sing Christmas carols to end the night. Last night, that didn't happen. I guess not everyone was in the mood to sing. Well, except for me.

So, we got home around midnight, and since it's officially Christmas, I opened my presents. I got a Twilight bag (not the NECA original, but who cares? It's awesome!) and a cardigan from my sister, and a Harry Potter T-shirt and Diesel jeans from my mom. In addition, I got myself a present waaaaay earlier, an iPod Shuffle.

Sure, it ain't no big deal. I mean, other people get presents which are more awesome anyway.

We don't usually do open house for Christmas, so we balik kampung for the occasion. Haven't been visiting my grandma for a while, as well as both my grandfathers' graves. After spending an hour or two, we went to visit my uncle, the only one who open his house. That was fun.

After that, back home.

Eventful, isn't it. Most of my friends are having open houses. Fun :)

Was disappointed I didn't go for Christmas mass this morning. Gotta wake up early for tomorrow morning then. Hopefully they still put Christmas hymns on the list tomorrow. I love 'em.

Still, God gave me the best present ever, every year: A family who loves me and who I love.

Happy Christmas, everyone :)

Oh, It's Christmas

2010-12-24T14:42:00.004+08:00

I designed this myself (with help from an online tutorial, of course)

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

Down in Royal Creek II

2010-12-22T01:20:00.000+08:00

Well, it's Day 4, and all is ... tiring.

Waking up early is one thing, but trying to stay awake is another.

To update, the junior team got into quarter finals on Day 3, but didn't get into semis. It's OK, we're still proud of them. The university team hasn't broke that far for quite some time.

At night, we went out to BP Mall, the nearest mall to our place. It was quite OK. Wanted to catch a movie, but was afraid we would miss the bus back.

So we managed to take the bus back, but what a decision that was. The driver was driving steady (but fast) to begin with, but then, at one point, he swayed left, then right ... for no clear reason and he was driving real fast! Woo! At least I've experienced a bus ride in Johor ;)

Not to mention a sudden but short-lived addiction to UNO cards :D

But seriously. For the most part of it, there were food. Lots of food. Breakfast, tea, lunch, tea, dinner, supper. Yes, I can officially say this is the most food-filled tournament I've been to. I seriously felt like I gained weight overnight. Yeesh.

Well, at least it's almost over. Hoping on a flight back home tomorrow night. UTHM is a lovely, lovely place.

Just Because

2010-12-21T21:41:00.000+08:00

Just feel like typing something.

Not on my laptop now anyway, on a friend's.

Had a tiring 5 days here in Johor. Maybe I'll post up something that has real substance soon.

Later, or tomorrow.