Showing posts from October, 2014

End of October Thoughts

it's official, i have no idea what to do with life.

nothing can convince me tomorrow will be kinder.

permanent occupation: family disappointment.

probably will live after 30, therefore i shall be sad in silence.

i shall not worry others of my emotional wellbeing, or at least i'll try not to.

i don't think i'll find a talent anytime soon.

preparing for a lifetime of coming in second. "everybody loves a winner, so nobody loves me"

i tried to be happy today, but it obviously didn't last long.

'fat' is going to my eternal body size.

i don't think i'm depressed. i think i'm just sad. and pathetic.

i realise i begin a month with positive thoughts, and it never ends as well

Hides, Shades

We Wear The Mask Paul Laurence Dunbar
We wear the mask that grins and lies, It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,— This debt we pay to human guile; With torn and bleeding hearts we smile, And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be over-wise, In counting all our tears and sighs? Nay, let them only see us, while        We wear the mask.
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries To thee from tortured souls arise. We sing, but oh the clay is vile Beneath our feet, and long the mile; But let the world dream otherwise,        We wear the mask!
via Poetry Foundation

Library in the Boat on the Sea: A Short Conversation

(post-dinner casual family time in the living room)
Mom: The family should go on a cruise someday.
Sister: Sounds fun
(some talk about the deck and the sea or something)
Me: Do they have, like, interior things (referring to the ships with malls and stuff inside it)
Mom: Well, they have theaters and shows and stuff. (cos she's been on one before)
Me: Ooh, do they have a library, then?
Mom: Don't know. You're not going to spend time in there just reading , are you? There's the sea and the view and the deck to enjoy!!
Me: I'm not going to read THE ENTIRE DAY.

See, 25 years later, mom still doesn't get me.
Either that or I'm just so difficult.

*p/s conversation paraphrased due to not remembering every word from it, but it's basically the gist of it.

Early October Thoughts

Could I get anything done this month? Maybe.

I should stop going to the bookstore. I have enough books.

Do I really need to keep all my books, or sell some to get money? ...

Do I want to work? Debatable, but most likely, yes.

Will I find a job? Yes, please.

I should stop making excuses for whatever.

I shall admit that I am lazy, for I truly am.

Will I ever fit into my shirts again? If I'm still fat by December, no.

Do I still want to live long? Not my decision, really.