year thirty-one

another birthday.
eventually i feel like they're going to stop to mean anything.
at least my close friends remember. 

being where i am, at thirty, isn't exactly what i had in mind when growing up. 

i wanted to write books, live a creative life, maybe fall in love and live abroad. 
i have done none of that. 

i remember having a list of things i want to do by thirty. 
i have no idea where that list is anymore,
but chances are, i have only done a fraction of what's on that list. 

so far, i'm happy at where i am. 
i've gotten good things, and a steady income and a permanent job. 
i lived through a global pandemic, so far. 
i finished my masters, finally, but hopefully there's a graduation ceremony, 
just to make it all worthwhile. 

one thing that i wanted, something i've wished for more than anything

is to feel less lonely. 
and that is one thing i haven't resolved. 
i don't know, maybe it's me being an introvert,
or that i wouldn't open up to anyone. 

i don't think i have accomplished enough,
but i also know that i have time. 
it may not be enough time to do everything i want, 
but i guess life isn't always fair 
to those without money or looks. 

i do hope for year thirty one to be better.

i want to move out of my parents' house and find my own place (and life).
i want to finish another masters (which is offered by the govt)
i want to fall in love (and dance with somebody who loves me)
i want to travel again (somewhere new, or somewhere old, it doesn't matter)
i want to learn the guitar (so i can make music as a side hustle in case i go broke)

i may want to move on from this job, but not now. 
for now, i'm coasting. 
i'm trying my best not to worry too much about the future,
but i'm an overthinker, so i will worry
but not today
i'll worry another day, when the mood strikes. 

i have so many self-advice
but knowing myself, i'll ignore it.

for now
happy thirty one, dear self. 
you've made it this far
you have to keep trying to make it further.

per aspera ad astra.
through hardships to the stars.