it's october again

 I'm not really sure where I am right now. everything feels rushed. 

like, I want to do so many things right now. right. now. and I don't know why it can't wait. maybe I'm feeling the age thing, like I'm running out of time to do anything.

my job is ok, but it's a dead-end. it's great that I have money, and made it through the pandemic quite okay.  my online purchases tell a different story, though. 

since my birthday, a lot have happened. a lot didn't happen as well. 

but one thing that hasn't changed is a deep feeling of loneliness. I guess I have to wait some more for that to either go away, or the void is filled by someone. I'm not above one-night stands to fill it, but I guess it's self principle that I'd always want deeper connections and conversations with some people. and mostly, I want love. 

it's different, romantic love, I mean. I don't know if, when, or how I'll get it, but the bigger question is, will I ever? I'm not actively dating or whatever, and I can't expect love to just fall on my lap. cats, maybe. but not human lovers. 

I guess it will never go away, not for now, at least. I'll bury myself in books, and funko pops, and whatever things I buy on a whim (I should stop that). 

the year's ending. it's fall again, or rainy season here. and so are my feels of sadness and loneliness.