finally the year ends

the year is ending.

and i feel so is my will to live.

it could be simply seasonal depression, or that feeling of being left out by friends. 

again. 

christmas didn't feel special this year.

then again, it hasn't felt special in forever. 

perhaps being cooped up at home for a few months back in march til june, and then being restricted to move for a period of time, did take its toll of my emotional instability. 

i haven't had much to write here, i was busy feeling lonely, making playlists on spotify to justify that my taste in music is diverse enough to be liked. 

it's probably a leo thing. 

or maybe i just didn't like being ignored by friends. 

then again, people are not attracted to other people who wallow in their own misery. 

sometimes i think i don't have friends. 

i have like 2 friends, they're more like fam. 

but they're girls. not guys. 

i don't have guy friends. 

makes me a tad sad. 

maybe that's what you get for being an introvert. 

you don't go out and make friends. 

and people don't like making friends with quiet people. 

i don't know how i have lived this long.

and i hate living like this. 

the loneliness hasn't killed me, yet. 

time will tell if it does.

but i am dying inside. 

everything feels tiresome. 

everything hurts. 

like i have no energy to go on every day. 

it's odd. 

not to mention i get jealous of extroverts. 

always having people to rely on. 

i have like me. 

and it's not always a good thing. 

i get tired of me. 

unfulfilled dreams are another. 

heartbreak and rejection hangs in the air. 

have i mentioned i told my crush i liked him back in february?

it's left hanging since then. 

he never said he liked or not liked me back. 

just a 'thank you'.

it's frustrating. and disappointing. 

in between long sighs i occasionally put out to the universe, i think

if i could take that back, i would

we talk more before i said that to him

now he leaves me on read

fun

i want to cry sometimes

but i've always told myself that crying solves nothing

true

but i'm trying not to

but hey

bright side i'm still alive

for now

ok yearly achievements

one. finished masters, graduating next year.

two. lost some weight, gained them back, but doesn't hate self as much anymore. 

three. caved in to peer pressure, had sex, still to ugly to be gay.

four. job still okay, mental health is not. money good. i'm addicted to funko pops.

five. uninstalled facebook, but browses through chrome. may do the same with instagram soon. my crush posts hot photos of himself there, adds to my feeling of dreadfulness and dejected. 

do i have resolutions? yea maybe i don't know

it's not worth disappointing yourself so soon in the year.

supposed to focus on my goals but here i am feeing sad as fuck.

not depressed enough to be diagnosed, at least that's what the dass test says. 

at least we're back to our regularly scheduled programming.