life #10/ work #3

This job is boring.

All I do is attend meetings, hold meetings, and site visits. Sometimes I sign documents.

Sure, maybe it's because it's in district level so things move little slower than in headquarters. Either way, I'm truly bored in this job. It's not fulfilling, although the money is good, which means I get to buy things or travel without anyone's permission.


But truly, I wish for more than just this.
This contentment.

I know, it's comfortable being in this position, and being in the civil service under the Gov. Your job is permanent, cashflow is stable, and the occasional bonus happens once in a while when there's a festive occasion. So yes, I can't complain much.

But above all that, the job feels stale. Everything is routine. A lot of paperwork.

I can't say if it's because that I'm an introvert that I find this job boring.
No. I get an office all to myself, and major alone time. Should be cushy for an introvert, no?

Then again,…

life #9 / work #2: Dead Inside

I realised I haven't posted anything in two months. That's how dead my inside is right now. Basically, I'm dead inside. Since January.

worrier #7/ life #8

Why do we have suicidal thoughts? Who do we have suicidal thought for? By that, I mean to whom does it benefit?  Us or others?
I always try not to be selfish when it comes to things, either buying, thinking, saying, or doing. Sometimes I am, because, hey, we keep getting bombarded by messages by successful or inspirational people saying 'do what makes you happy' . Some say that it's OK to be selfish and think of yourself first, as you're running your life, not other people. But what stops us from thinking about other people first? Do some revert back to suicidal thoughts because they can't imagine dong things for themselves, even if it makes then happy?
I am one of those people.

travel #1

OK, so. I did what I finally wanted to do for a while. It's not a big deal to alot of people, but it is for me. I've never done it by myself, and for myself. A last minute decision, but thankfully, it was better than I expected.

I went travelling, alone. Yay me.
Nowhere far, really, just across the sea to the big city.

hope #1/ worrier #6

I believe we all need one good person to talk to when we need some life encouragement. I am not one of those person, the one who can encourage you to live your life. I can, however, offer you a sarcastic comment or be your sassy friend, in case you need one.
Point is, this past two weeks my mind has been in such a mess. I have no one else to blame, of course. I actually took the time to stitch my own Halloween costume (a Pokemon) rather than just drawing a black spiral with a marker on a circular piece of paper and stick it on my blue sweater. 
Not to mention essay papers to mark, but that was part of the job. I don't hate that part. tiring, sure, but it' part of what I signed up for.
What I didn't sign up for was life, in general.

life #7/ worrier #5

I'm tired of saying that I've underachieved in life.
Sure it's not untrue, but there's always hope that I can do more.
But at what cost?

I've always wondered, how do people do it?
Why can't I do the same?
Eventually I realised that they may or may not have different responsibilities than I have and/or they manage theirs much better than I can or ever will.

But when will my life begin?
Maybe never.
Maybe tomorrow.

life #6/ worrier #4: a predicament

I'm foreseeing complications in my days ahead.

It's rather simple, really. Or not.

I got offered a new job, and I ave to start on the 4th October.
The thing is, my current job only allows me to leave mid-November.
For the new job, I need to take a medical exam to make sure I'm all fine and dandy. The results are only valid for a month, which means I can't take it now. I can only take it in November.

But what if I go, and then the clinic don't want to take it because they say it's pass my date of employment?
What if the office wouldn't agree to my late start date? I'll end up being unemployed, again. I have bills to pay.

So yea a predicament I can't run away from. i feel like I've dug myself a hole deep enough to enter and never emerge from again. It's so confusing. And it's not like I'm entirely sane, either, but that's a story for another time.

I'm worried for my future.
Im worried for the family.
I'm worried about my mu…