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life #17/sad #2

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I suppose it's tiring to say this, but once again, I'm lost and I'm stuck.
I'm stuck in a job I hate, I'm stuck with the one being responsible for so many things at work, and I'm stuck with the feeling of responsibility towards a lot of things at home.
I'm lost in direction of any sort of resemblance of a career, I'm lost in knowing what to actually do with life, and I'm lost as to whether to leave this job or not because I really do need the money.
In addition, I'm tired every day, at all times.
I'm bored, I'm sick, and I'm tired.

Travels #1/ Dreams #1: So I Went to the Academy Awards

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Yes, I did go to the Academy Awards, but I didn't step inside the Dolby Theatre. I won a seat on the bleachers next to the red carpet. That was as close as I got to the Oscars. For now.
I'll make my way there someday. Maybe get nominated or something. But that's for another day.

For now, I only had the pleasure of seeing (and yelling out for) celebrities and movie stars from afar, admiring glitzy dresses, dapper suits, and beautiful beards and hairstyles.

But I shall start from the beginning. The start of my HBO-sponsored Ultimate Oscars Experience.

(**this post is photo-heavy, with some videos**)

work #6: to quit or not to quit

There was a post meant to be about how last year went, and it was supposed to talk about how I felt about everything last year. In truth, I found last year to be somewhat good. I went places, learned a lot, and honestly learned to be better.

Somehow, the beginning of this year made me want to go back to last year.

It's only been a month, but I'm tired. Tired of it all.
Maybe it's all this pent-up frustration of the entire system , and somehow it has reached some peak of emotions.

Once again, I'm a mess. this time, I don't know if I would be able to overcome it.

Previously, I tried so hard to get over it, and I did.
I lied to myself that everything will be OK, that things will work out eventually, that I am content and satisfied with where my life is heading right now.

But now? Today?
Not so much.

I know other people have worst struggles that I have right now.
I feel for them.
Some people would consider me lucky to have a job which they covet, but didn't get.
Me…

high-functioning depression

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this. sounds like me.
therefore, it's here.
i feel it's important i'm reminded about this.

life #16

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so this year, starting the year with no resolutions whatsoever, I find myself wanting to do two things, or at least, to start with: 1. stick with the job for a year, and 2. live.
and so, it's november. and it's almost one year in the civil service. i started out being all jaded about it, but now, i truly don't care anymore. it's not that i don't care about the job; i still do, because i need it more than it needs me. but what i don't care so much anymore is how people see me in my job position. i'm starting to be rebellious and not give a f*. basically, i'm no longer sorry.

work #5/life #15

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i thought i forgot to post something for my birthday.
turns out i did post something.
but i skipped september, because i was lost again.

i usually drown my sorrows in books and writing, but my writing blog has sat there unattended for 4 years without any form of actual leading-to-a-full-novel writing. It's just reblogs on writing notes and advice. i don't feel like i have anything good enough to write about.

life #14: birthday no. 28

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I don't really care for birthdays anymore.
Not mine, at least. I still care for other people's birthdays.